Thursday, August 11, 2005
This day On:

Just Smile

Smile #1:
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at yourpicture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
Smile #2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troublesand lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries ortroubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
Smile #3
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me togive up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005
This day On:

What Is A Million Years?

A man was wandering in the woods, pondering all the mysteries of life and his own personal problems. The man couldn't find the answers, so he sought help from God.
"God? You there, God?" he asked.
"Yes. What is it, my son?" God answered.
"Mind if I ask a few questions?" the man asked.
"Go ahead, my son, anything."
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God answered, "A million years to me is only a second."
The man asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God replied, "A million dollars to me is worth only a penny."
The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question. "God, can I have a penny?"
God answered, "Sure, give me a second."

Saturday, August 06, 2005
This day On:

Intellect

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which thedoctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me,Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency insomebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simplequestion which everyone should answer with no trouble. If hehesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three tripsaround the world and died during one of them. Which one?'
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh,"You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? Imust confess I don't know much about history."

Friday, August 05, 2005
This day On:

White hair on Mom

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

Thursday, August 04, 2005
This day On:

Question No. 2

Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were so confident going into the final that two days before, they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends. They had a great time, but they overslept and didn't make it back to Alabama until the morning of the exam.
Rather than take the final, they found their professor afterward to explain why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day to write the exam. The professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, which was worth five points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be easy."
They each did that problem and then turned the page. Question #2 was: "Which tire?" (95 points).

Wednesday, August 03, 2005
This day On:

Who are you..?

Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. Here is your dose... Follow the instructions to find your new name.
The following in an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants" by Dave Pilkey: The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...
Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name:

a=poopsie, b=lumpy, c=buttercup, d=gidget, e=crusty, f=greasy, g=fluffy, h=cheeseball, i=chim-chim, j=stinky, k=flunky, l=boobie, m=pinky, n=zippy, o=goober, p=doofus, q=slimy, r=loopy, s=snotty, t=tootie, u=dorkey, v=squeezit, w=oprah, x=skipper, y=dinky, z=zsa-zsa.


Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
a=apple, b=toilet, c=giggle, d=burger, e=girdle, f=barf, g=lizard, h=waffle, i=cootie, j=monkey, k=potty, l=liver, m=banana, n=rhino, o=bubble, p=hamster, q=toad, r=gizzard, s=pizza, t=gerbil, u=chicken, v=pickle, w=chuckle, x=tofu, y=gorilla, z=stinker.
Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
a=head, b=mouth, c=face, d=nose, e=tush, f=breath, g=pants, h=shorts, i=lips, j=honker, k=butt, l=brain, m=tushie, n=chunks, o=hiney, p=biscuits, q=toes, r=buns, s=fanny, t=sniffer, u=sprinkles, v=kisser, w=squirt, x=humperdinck, y=brains, z=juice.
Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is Goober Chickenshorts.
and...Now, What is your new name ?? :-)

Life is Good

Sometime you just have to step up and do what's right!
An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God. He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying,"Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."
He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Marine just released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform.
The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Marine replied, "God was busy; He sent me."
Life is good.!

Tuesday, August 02, 2005
This day On:

New Mergers for 2005

Investment tips for 2005 for all of you with any money left. In the wake of the Exxon/Mobile deal and the AOL/Time Warner implode, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2005:
  1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
  2. PolyGram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
  3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood.
  4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
  5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
  6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
  7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
  8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

That's all for now.....invest wisely

Monday, August 01, 2005
This day On:

The Gift to Mama

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctorsand lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after havingdinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give theirelderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in thehouse."
The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays, the Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have toclean the whole house. Thanks anyway. "Marvin, I am too old to travel. Istay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I'velost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you.