The Sister Act...

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the comer of his eye ... It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought ... Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real ... Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive ... On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell.... The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" ... He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business. "Very well, my son. Please follow me." ...He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented ... The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, Please knock on this door".

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup asnwers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hall way".

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE !!

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED

BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT

YOU SINNER!

Perhaps I should forward this joke to the priests to give them an idea and let the church make some big bucks....very easily :-)

The Texan

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Roll Royce, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"
The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About 2 weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen. (It's ok, the joke is CLEAN)

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan,
"What's up?"
"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"

I was going to put a jacuzzi in my car, but the only place there was enough room for it was off the dining room ........ :)

Law Court Transcripts

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

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Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 15th.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

--------------

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he wokeup that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

--------------

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

--------------

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

--------------

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

--------------

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

--------------

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

--------------

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

--------------

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

--------------

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

--------------

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

--------------

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

--------------

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing anautopsy.

--------------

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

--------------

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

My son in trouble now!

Someday a Technical Support got a call from a customer:

Customer: "My youngest son was surfing the web last night and to my shock he was at [a British comedy site]."
Tech Support: "Yes, what is the problem?"
Customer: "The 'dot uk' at the end -- doesn't that stand for United Kingdom?"
Tech Support: "Yes."
Customer: "Just great -- I knew it! He's in trouble now! He was there for almost a half hour! How much does AOL charge for long distance?"
Tech Support: "It does not work that way. You can surf anywhere without long distance charges."
Customer: "No, I am sure AOL charges extra. It doesn't make any sense that they wouldn't. England is a long way away, they would lose millions not to."

After trying to explain how the web worked, the customer refused to take my word and said she was going to call AOL. A while later she called back.

Customer: "Well, AOL said you were correct; no long distance charge for overseas web sites. I do have another question I thought of after I hung up with AOL."
Tech Support: "Yes?"
Customer: "Do you think they charge extra for long distance email?"
Tech Support: "Trust me -- they don't."
Customer: "Wonderful! My oldest son works in Sweden. He sends us email, but I was always afraid to reply because I didn't know how much it would cost, so I just called him on the phone. This will save us lots of money! Still if AOL was smart they would charge for this service."

Incredible Confession

The privacy partition in the confessional booth slides and an excited voice bursts through the screen:

"Father, I gotta tell you what happened to me last night. I'm 90 years old, and I made love to two 18 year old women for eight hours last night!"

The stunned priest, replies incredulously, "you did WHAT!"

"I said, I'm 90 years old, and I made love to two eighteen year old women last night for eight hours."

The stern father replies, "boy, I've been waiting all my life for a guy like you. I'm gonna give you a penance like you'll never forget."

To which the voice replies, "Father, you can't give me a penance."

"Why not?" asks the man of the cloth.

"Because I'm Jewish," claims the voice.

The perplexed Father asks, "then why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everyone!"

Blonde with a Computer

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to the mail box.

She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

Super Bowl

A man had 50-yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

Onestone

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle.

He hated that name and asked everyone to not to call him Onestone!

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone..."

He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant serious business.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a womannamed Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone..."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he screwed her all day, screwed her all night, screwed her all the next day, screwed her all the next night...but, Yellow Bird wouldn't die!!!!

What is the moral of this story???

Come on..........take a guess!. Think about it................

You can't kill two birds with one stone!

3 Engineers and the Stalled Car

Three engineers are riding in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car stalls and stops by the side of the road. The three engineers look at each other with bewilderment, wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer, not knowing much about mechanics, suggests, "Let's strip down the electronics of the car and try to trace where a fault might have occurred."

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about electronics, suggests, "Maybe the fuel has become emulsified and is causing a blockage somewhere in the system."

The Microsoft engineer suggests, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it will work."

Watch that Speed

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns onhis lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five little old ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. Iwas doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing the speed limit exactly -- twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says quite proudly.

The state police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned sheepishly and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, ma'am, I have to ask...is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer says with concern.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, Officer. We just got off Route 119."

I think at 119 mph the odd undie change might be needed....