Top 10 answering machine messages

No. 10

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

No. 9

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

No. 8

This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.

No. 7

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

No. 6.

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

No. 5.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

No. 4.

Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.

No. 3.

Hi. Now YOU say something.

No. 2.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.

No. 1

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.

Keeping a healthy level of insanity

How to keep a healty level of insanity...

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
5. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
6. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
7. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender).
15. Send email to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3."
16. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
17. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
18. Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.
19. Have your own coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
20. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!", "3rd time this week!!!"
21. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
22. Tell your boos "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do."
23. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

any other else...?

Job Application

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Would you like to try it..?

Things You Sometimes Wish You Could Say

1. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
2. How about never? Is never good for you?
3. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
4. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
5. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
6. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
7. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shooey.
8. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
9. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
10. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a darn.
11. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
12. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
13. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
14. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
15. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
17. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
18. Do I look like a people person?
19. This isn't an office. It's he** with fluorescent lighting.
20. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
21. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
22. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
23. Allow me to introduce my selves.
24. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
25. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
26. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Say it if you wish...